Life, or something close to it.

"When I was a younger man, I wondered why I chose atheism. My parents were religious, you would've liked them. They wouldn’t be proud of me now, at least not of my religious views. They taught me all things come from God and all we do should be in praise of him, which quite frankly seems unfair. I mean I want to get something for myself out of my life. But under their shadow I experienced many religious practices, that didn’t seem right to me to be honest. Some of it was even ridiculous but I wasn’t allowed to question. No one was, not even my parents. It was a cultural heritage that had been continually passed on from generation to generation and I guess it was my generation’s turn next. So year after year, I followed what I was expected to follow and did what I was expected to do. No stray steps, no sacrilegious queries. Back then, what my father said was final and what my mother said was infinitely wise and I was a little ignorant idiot who understood the foolishness of his inquiries. Hence, I kept quiet like I was expected to.
But slowly the reach of my parents shadow began to weaken and I began to explore the world little by little. And let me tell you the world is a vile and disgusting place. It’s not like your church with a clean garden and a paved road to the gate. No sir. If I knew what the world was and is, I would’ve declined the offer to be born. Things happened that made me question the existence of the Almighty. And when I was a confirmed atheist I came to a conclusion there were two reasons why I left the holy path.
I don’t want to label it the main reason, so I’ll say the first of the two reasons was: my life started becoming a miserable and deplorable affair. I flirted with depression, well not flirted, to be more precise I fell in head over heels with depression. Every day was every day. I didn’t know what day of the week it was because I didn’t need to, they were all the same. What I did the day before would be the same thing I was doing today and the thing I was doing today, I would be doing the same thing tomorrow. I was alone, desolate and seriously wronged. I mean I felt I was wronged. This wasn’t the life I deserved. This wasn’t the life anyone deserved. It felt like I was being punished when I had done no wrong, at least nothing wrong enough to deserve what I got. But then I looked around, there were so many of us, living the same life with the same complaints. And it couldn’t be that this was the big plan God had for all of us. This couldn’t have been my destiny, to rot in a meaningless existence, doing things no one else cared for, decaying more and more as each day passed by. God didn’t answer my prayers. He left me stranded when I had no one but him. No one can be that cruel. And when I asked people who were supposed to know things, they said, God works in mysterious ways. My life made no sense, I was trying to find reasons to continue living, I was looking for some answers, a hope to hold on to, something, anything. Anything at all and they said, God works in mysterious ways. The best that they could come up with to help me save my life was GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS. Well, I guess at that point I had an epiphany of sorts. If God had forgotten about me it shouldn’t bother him much if I forgot about him and so I did.
It wasn’t the unexplainable wrongs that were happening in the world that caused my deviation. I knew about Hitler from the time I was little. It didn’t seem to bother me that God gave life to such a person when my life was good. Floods, fires, tsunamis, hurricanes, earthquakes everything was happening long before I became an atheist. And though it seem absurd that God would allow such things to happen, I didn’t really look much into it because He was kind enough not to include me in any of those. Everything the religious people said seemed plausible to me. Had someone asked me why God would allow such things to happen, perhaps even I would’ve answered, God works in mysterious ways. I didn’t become a nonbeliever because of the unfair human suffering the world had to go through. No, they were just points that I could throw at people in an argument about religion. I didn’t care too much about the six million Jews Hitler killed. I agree it was wrong and it shouldn’t have happened, but I only came to know about it after watching a movie. I mean, in the Bible God kills the entire population of the earth except one human family and a few animals. If God is capable of such barbarism, it wasn’t hard to see why Hitler got his life. But once my life took a turn for the worse, everything changed. God became an imposter. It’s strange really, it didn’t bother me much when six million lives were allowed to perish without reason but when my life, a single soon-to-be useless existence, became a tad difficult, everything about God became a lie. I know it’s a selfish approach but…… well I really can’t find something to say to make that sound a bit more acceptable.
My questions didn’t go away though. And since God wasn’t answering I had to look elsewhere. So I began to read, searching for my answers in books. There I found the second reason for my atheism. There were so many things religion couldn’t answer that books could. I read in a book the most amazing questions. It asked, if our children commit the most heinous crimes, unforgivable and inexcusable, will we have the heart to punish them by sending them to a place that uses the most gruesome torture methods imaginable? Is it possible for a father to do such a thing to his child? So, how can God, whom we decree: our kind and generous Almighty Father, send us, his children, to burn in the fires of hell, not for a day or a year, but for eternity. Here on God’s green earth we make a big issue if a father lays a hind in his son, but God has the ruthlessness to condemn his children to hell? Doesn’t seem right.
Books made me see this life is mine and I should do what I wish with it. I have to admit I didn’t do much but I did what I wanted to do, mostly. Though many disapproved, I lived my life, not the way God intended but the way I did and I think it’s acceptable since it is my life. There were so many answers and so many more questions. And slowly, my conviction that I had chosen the right way became more and more strong. I mean we used to believe child birth was a blessing from God not too long ago. We used to burn witches, we used to use shamans to cure diseases. We did so many things because we believed it was what God wanted us to do. Even now, all terrorists believe that what they are doing is God’s work. We can’t even figure out which God is the right God. If Christianity is the correct religion and if the Christian God does exist, then will the Muslims and the Hindus and the people following other religions suffer the same fate as an atheist? Will they burn in hell too? And the people that have never been and will never be exposed Christianity, the people in the small villages of a Muslim nation, are they already condemned without having been given a chance? That doesn’t seem like the workings of a fair God. There are so many things religion can’t answer. The more I read, the more I came to realize there is one rational answer that satisfies all queries and it is the lack of God’s existence. If we were to believe that God doesn’t exist, then everything becomes explainable. The reason behind Hitler would be that bad people exist, they always have they always will. The reason behind terrorism would be people take advantage of blind beliefs to get their dirty work done. Everything would then become simple. Everything would have a rational reason. There would be consequences, I know. Dostoevsky said, ‘If there is no God, everything is permitted.’ I guess the idea of God is necessary to keep certain factions of our society in line. It seems we believe that human nature is inherently inclined to depravity and is in the need of a system that will keep things in check. We have lost faith in ourselves but not in a supernatural being. Religion asked from me something I couldn’t give. A blind and unquestioning faith. If I am to believe in something to save my life and salvage my soul, I will need some proper convincing and religion just didn’t offer that. All my questions remained ignored, they were blasphemies not to be touched. So, religion didn't work to well with me. And unable to fulfill their criteria of unquestioning faith, I became an atheist.
But now lying in my death bed, I have begun to feel apprehensive about the idea of hell. I mean, I don’t want to burn in hell because I was too stubborn to relinquish my atheist beliefs. What if I’m wrong? It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been wrong. So, I have a proposal to you mister priest. I have amassed quite a tidy sum over the years. And since I’m about to die, I don’t really have much work for it. I’ve decided to donate it all to your church’s orphanage. But in return I want complete forgiveness for all my sins and I want you to tell me that I will not go to hell. I know you need the money. I’ve been to the orphanage and it is not in a pretty condition. And before you accuse me some devious insinuation let me clear out the air by saying yes, this is me taking advantage of your situation. But you have to look at things from my side. I had to choose between making you feel guilty or burning in hell. The choice was pretty obvious for me. Isn’t it good enough that I’m offering all my money to charity or does it have to be that, it should be a sincere I-hope-for-nothing-in-return kind of offer? You can give the children the best meals of their lives tomorrow if you give me my ticket to heaven. So are you willing to offer me my salvation to feed your poor children? It’s your choice. If you say no, you have a clear conscience and the children stay the way they always were, I get another priest, no hard feelings. If you say yes, the children are happy, you get to be the good priest and get a peaceful death. I still can't let go of my atheist beliefs but if God does exist, I just want to have an argumentative point to offer when I have to explain why I deserve to be in heaven. Don’t you think God will be willing to overlook this small transaction to give you the means to feed all those hungry children? He surely won’t punish you for such a trifle misdemeanor when it results in such great happiness. Will he? Well you understand God better than me. It’s all up to you. So what’s it going to be?”