Life, or something close to it.

God. Where is he? What is he? I do not know. I do not believe in him. I am curious to know why so many people do. I don’t think I have it figured out yet. For me it’s a challenge to rationality, to reasoning thoughts, to the thinking mind. How can I believe in something I cannot prove to be true. But I guess, that’s the charm of faith, you believe though you can’t understand. He works in strange ways people tell me, and I ask, why? Why can’t he make everything simple, why does everything have to be difficult? He could make life easy for us. It’s not like he has a point to prove to anyone, he is the all knowing almighty. It’s almost beautiful, the faith and devotion people have, it’s something I can’t understand and maybe that’s why they think I am ignorant, though I think the same of the people who believe. Everything has an explanation, there’s a reason behind why things happen. Except I can’t explain God and his ways, and many people who do believe in him can’t either, yet they trust him, without any hesitation. Why? My mind isn’t bright enough to grasp such a phenomenon. I argue, that people need God to have the fear of being watched. They need to feel that if they do something unholy, there is someone watching that sees all and hears all, someone there’s no hiding from. So to please him, they think twice about doing such wrong deeds. But for me and most of the people I know, we have a clear perspective of what is wrong and what is right. All our lives we have been taught exactly what is wrong and right: this is right and that is wrong. So after all these years of relentless teachings, I have come to understand the way right and wrong works. And before I think of fearing God for doing a wrong deed, I already know it’s wrong. So before I feel ashamed of doing what I am doing, I can think of what I am doing, if this is what was taught to me, if this is who I am, and without relying on the punishment I might receive from above I can change my ways, if I deem what I am doing unclean. My principles, that I have forged over days and months and years, can be my guiding light. I can do right, without being told that it is right. So what role does god have in this drama that is my life?
But I know I am wrong. Hopelessly wrong. God is not the petty scorekeeper that I make him out to be. People don’t believe in him to make him a statue of fear and wrath, no people believe in him because he is a source of hope. That’s what people look for in him. Hope. It’s something underrated, highly underrated. When things go wrong, and everything is as hopeless as it could be, and the world is dark as the night, and everybody has become a stranger, who will you turn to, where can anyone turn to? I don’t know. Perhaps I can offer you explanations on why and where it went wrong, what you could have done to avoid them. It wouldn’t do much good though, because when you are feeling the bitter tremors of agony, you don’t want to hear where it all went wrong, you want to hear how I can make every wrong into a right. But I won’t be able to do it, the future and the past are beyond my control, my rational brain believes all we have is the present, and the present for you is pretty unforgiving. But the believers, they turn to their God, who is all receiving, the sinners and the worse sinners, he doesn’t care. He is all forgiving and he, without any discrimination, offers hope, without an explanation, without reason. Hope for free. And when such a time of despair comes in my life, as I rot in my anguish, desolation and misery, I will envy all those who have a thread to hang on to, who have been offered hope as I slowly decay in the merciless darkness, reasoning out why everything happened. Then I will be vanquished, defeated, broken. But until that day, I will keep questioning.